First Day of the Rest of My Life
by SitaT'eyla
Summary: Trip and Malcolm have a conversation.


**Title**: First Day of the Rest of My Life

**Authors**: Sita/T'eyla

**Disclaimer**: We don't own the boys, even though we do like to play with them once in a while. Making no money etc.

**Genre**: Humor

**Rating**: PG

**AN**: A fair warning first - there is sort of a plot in this one, but it's mostly complete randomness, just for the fun of it. We didn't want to saddle our beta with this, so if you catch any errors, we're sorry (this was written online in the dead of night, so there might be a few!). Oh yeah - and it's Slash (T/R), so if you don't like that, you know the deal :).

Enjoy!

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"Good morning, Mr. Reed."

"Mmmmwhalemmesleep."

"It's a lovely day, Mr. Reed."

"WhoyatalkintolemmeSLEEP. Ow, my head..."

"Should have skipped the fifth beer, huh?"

"Dontcha talk about beer, please..."

"Okay, I won't. We could talk about breakfast instead."

"Malcolm Tucker, I'm gonna take that here pillow and smother you if you don't stop talkin bout things you can put in your mouth. That a good enough definition for you?"

"Alright, I'm stopping. Move over a little, okay?"

"Why?"

"Because you're taking up more than half of the bed."

"Well, I'm bigger than you, so it's only fair, don't you think?"

"You know, if you don't move over, I have ways of making you."

"I haff vays of makink you move."

"Indeed. I remember an especially ticklish spot just about... here."

"OUHHHH! There, that enough room for your scrawny li'l butt?"

"Yes, much better, thank you, Mr. Reed."

"You know, I'm worried by the way ya keep talkin to yourself. You're not that old..."

"Old enough to be married."

"Yeah... so what's your mom gonna say when you tell her you're Malcolm Tucker now?"

"Sorry, wrong number?"

"Uh-oh."

"Yours?"

"Well, she's gonna tell me there's no way mah name's Malcolm, cause she and Dad don't really like Scottish kings all that much."

"Sometimes, you can be an obnoxious pest."

"Love ya too, darlin'. Seriously, though, what are we gonna do about the name thing?"

"Leave it as it is? To be honest, I thing Trip Reed sounds a little like the sound you make when being tickled between the toes. And Malcolm Tucker... I don't know."

"I think Malcolm Tucker-Reed sounds jest fine."

"It's quite long, though."

"Won't fit on your phase pistol casing, ya mean?"

"I don't have a name tag on my phase pistol casing."

"Well, you should get one. I really liked Jon's gift, by the way."

"Yes, that one was quite nice. Pity we didn't install it immediately. We would have had a bit more room last night."

"Where do you think he picked it up? You can't exactly hide a king-sized bed in the shuttle when comin' back from an away mission..."

"I have no idea. Maybe he had it sent with another ship while we were away on a mission."

"Maybe. The quarters are still a little scary, though, ain't they?"

"About three times the size of my old ones. I'll probably get lost on my way to the bathroom at night."

"We'll get used to it. Do you think T'Pol's still in sickbay?"

"Probably. It was a pretty deep cut, and Phlox was talking about eel therapy. I don't think he let her go already."

"I feel bad for her. But then, who would've guessed that a little champagne would have such an effect on a Vulcan..."

"I was surprised when she agreed to take even a sip. She probably shouldn't have. Although it was a memorable sight, the Captain teaching T'Pol how to tango."

"Yeah, I saw Travis with a camera..."

"She is not going to be a happy Vulcan when these clips go online on the intranet."

"Poor her... maybe we should blackmail Travis to leave her alone."

"I think the Captain would like to keep one of those clips as a souvenir. Besides, do we have anything to blackmail Travis with?"

"Last time I saw him, he was bein' dragged away by Ensign Secorro... you know, the one with the huge..."

"Alma? I hope Travis survived the night."

"I'm sure he did. That cake was somethin' else, though, wasn't it?"

"Indeed. If I had known that Chef kept such a huge supply of pineapple in his storage rooms, I would have raided the galley long ago."

"I wasn't sure you would eat any of it, though... you looked kinda green before the ceremony."

"I _was_ a little nervous... but at least I wasn't the one who nearly dropped the ring."

"That was just because mah hands were sorta sweaty..."

"Well, we managed, didn't we. Overall, I think it didn't go too bad. All things considered."

"All things considered. D'you know Jon took a picture when he made you throw the bouquet?"

"He didn't."

"He did. You looked sorta cross-eyed at the time..."

"Bloody hell. I think we'll have to blackmail Travis and the Captain. Why did we have a bouquet, anyway?"

"Because Ensign Nguyen from Hydroponics would've had a fit if we hadn't. She musta spent hours on it..."

"It _was_ pretty. The fern made me sneeze, though."

"Gonna be some wedding picture - you all red-nosed and puffy-eyed..."

"Well, at least I think I wasn't as green anymore at that point. And I guess most people will be looking at the tie you wore, anyway. I told you not to wear the green and orange one."

"It's mah favorite tie, and what better day to wear it than mah wedding day?"

"The blue one looks much better on you. It brings out your eyes."

"Well, I did change it for the second picture..."

"Yes, you put on the yellow-and-black one Lieutenant Hess gave you. You looked like a giant bee in that one."

"The giant bee and Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, finally united in holy matrimony. How bout we put that on the greetin' card?"

"It would certainly be a fitting way to thank all our guests for the... memorable... occasion."

"Let's not forget Porthos and the... accident... with the streamer. I thought Jon was gonna have a fit."

"His dog ruined Hoshi's decoration even before anyone really had a chance to appreciate it. I thought _she_ was going to have a fit."

"Yeah, well, she was pretty cool about it. But I think it's gonna take a while until all the paper bits have come out on the other end again..."

"Let's not get into this too deeply, shall we? I haven't even had breakfast yet."

"How bout some left-over weddin' cake? I saved some on a paper plate, gotta be somewhere in front of the bunk..."

"Pity you didn't tell me last night that you booby-trapped the place with slippery wedding cake pieces. I'm afraid the cake died a painful death when I got up to use the bathroom last night."

"Oh no, you didn't! I was gonna have it later... is it really all gone?"

"I don't know, go check. I only threw away the pieces that stuck to my foot."

"Well, maybe the rest's still okay..."

"Trip, don't. I'm sure we'll find you something just as tasty that no one has stepped on yet."

"Tastes just fine... I'm jokin', Mal, don't look at me like that. I didn't really put it in my mouth."

"Are you sure? You've got cream on your chin."

"Uh... well, just a little."

"Trip, that is very disgusting."

"Why, you didn't wash your feet on your weddin' day?"

"In the morning, I did. In the evening, I had better things to do."

"Well, that'll do for me. Anyways, you think about where you wanna go for our honeymoon yet?"

"Actually, yes. You know, I've been to Scotland once, and it's really a wonderful place as soon as you're a bit farther away from the bigger cities. Peaceful and quiet, and nobody's around except for a few sheep."

"Scotland sounds great darlin'... though, maybe we want someplace with a little more sun?"

"There's sun in Scotland. Actually, you've got less rainy days in the northern regions of Scotland than you do in any other part of Great Britain. It's got something to do with the trade winds..."

"Trade winds, hm... yeah, sounds great. What d'you think of Hawaii, Mal?"

"Isn't that the place that mainly consists of active volcanoes?"

"We'd make sure we're a long way from the volcanoes, and besides, it's got the greatest beaches you can imagine. Lizzy and I went there on a divin' trip once..."

"Trip, I don't really want to spend our honeymoon swimming or diving or lying on the beach..."

"We can get a few sheep for you if you like..."

"I'm sure they would die in the heat."

"They could stay in the shade with you."

"Trip, are you suggesting that I spend our honeymoon sitting in the shade together with a bunch of sheep and watch you improve your diving skills?"

"Sounds great, don't it?"

"No, not really. Maybe we could agree on something that we both enjoy... ? There are the most beautiful hiking trails in Northern Scotland."

"More sheep?"

"Bears, maybe. Don't you like sheep?"

"Now that question sounds really wrong... how bout we go somewhere with no sheep, no bears and no beaches and volcanoes?"

"And that would be where?"

"Um... Minnesota?"

"I think they breed sheep in Minnesota."

"That's right... well, how bout Maine? You'd have your hikin' trails and maybe even bears, and I could go swimmin' once in a while."

"Maine? I don't think I want to go to Maine. Not after you made me read that book."

"What book?"

"The one book about the man who moves to Maine, and first his cat gets killed, and then his son."

"Oh, you mean Pet Sematary... yeah, well, just because it takes place in Maine, it doesn't mean that everybody who goes there is gonna be maimed or killed by zombies. Besides, you don't have a cat."

"That's not the point."

"Well, you don't."

"I don't have a son, either. Still, I don't think I would enjoy a stay in Maine."

"Anywhere else you'd like to go... Canada, maybe?"

"They speak French there, don't they?"

"Yeah, so? They also speak English. 'sides, you speak French, so what's the problem?"

"Which part of Canada do you have in mind?"

"Oh, I don't know... somewhere with hikin' trails and beaches and no sheep?"

"You really don't like sheep, do you?"

"Sheep are scary."

"Why are sheep scary?"

"All they do all day is eat and shit. And then they sleep. They kinda make you think, what's the point?"

"Most animals don't do anything but eat and sleep and discharge."

"Well, anyway, so what do you think of Canada?"

"I don't know. I always thought Canada was too big, with too little people living in it. Who knows what might be lurking in those Canadian woods?"

"Malcolm, anyone ever tell you that you're incurably paranoid?"

"Did you know that there's an area in Northern Canada that keeps swallowing planes? Over thirty planes crashed in that area, and only half of them are accounted for."

"You really need to cancel your subscription to that magazine, Mal. So, anywhere you would feel safe to go on honeymoon cept Northern Scotland?"

"... Ireland?"

"Well... anywhere not on the British Isles?"

"... don't you like the British Isles? We have lots of beaches."

"Um... yeah, they're fine and all, but..."

"But?"

"Um, yeah, you know, they're not all that..."

"All that what?"

"I mean, you've got all this great history stuff, and all those ruins and churches, and the Queen, of course, but..."

"It's a King, Trip. The Queen died two years ago."

"King, Queen, whatever."

"It's important to know these kinds of things!"

"Yeah, well, that's why I've got you to keep track of them for me."

"Why am I getting the feeling you're trying to tell me that you don't like Great Britain?"

"But I like Great Britain, really, I do. It's just that I don't really want to spend my honeymoon there!"

"Why not? We wouldn't have to spend it in the south, it can get kind of crowdy there. But the northern or western parts are really beautiful."

"Okay, okay, all right. Whatever makes ya happy, darlin'. But no sheep."

"If you really don't want to go there, we can think of something else."

"No, no, it's fine. Anywhere's fine as long as we're both there to enjoy it."

"What do you think of Indonesia?"

"Malcolm..."

"What? I thought you wanted me to pick a place that's not on the British Isles."

"Well, I kinda had the impression you had your mind made up, so..."

"I'm open for other options..."

"Okay... you know, I just had a great idea!"

"Let's hear it."

"And it would be really cheap, too..."

"What are you thinking of, Trip?"

"And the food... there's no place we'd get better food!"

"Trip..."

"I could show you around..."

"You know, I was just thinking, I think I wouldn't want to go anywhere too hot..."

"And there's lots of nature too... maybe even sheep!"

"And no place too humid... if there's heat, it should be dry heat."

"And I know lots of nice joints where we could hang out... there's this one Irish Pub..."

"And I'd really like a place that has something to offer besides beaches and nature... some culture, maybe..."

"Oh, there's lotsa culture!"

"Where?"

"Um... you know, I kinda already told them we're comin'..."

"Who?"

"Um... mah folks, ya know."

"You told your family we'd come to visit them? Trip, we only have two weeks!"

"Um... it'd only be one week... we can spend the other week in Scotland, okay? Look at some sheep..."

"I don't know why you're so fixated on those bloody sheep. Trip, I was really looking forward to spending some time with you... alone. Can't we leave the awkward meet-the-parents visits for our next shore leave?"

"They're so lookin' forward to meetin' you! They've invited all the family... oops... didn't mean to tell ya that."

"You've told your family we'd be coming, organized a huge Tucker welcome-back party, and had the gall to ask me where I would like to spend our honeymoon? Why didn't you just tell me you had it all figured out already?"

"Are you mad at me, honey?"

"Indeed I am, Mr. Tucker."

"I thought I was Mr. Reed now."

"Not when I'm mad at you."

"Are you really mad at me? Really, really mad?"

"I'm... mad."

"How mad?"

"Hm... about as mad as the one time when you ruined my black shirt with the tomato sauce."

"That mad?"

"I wasn't _that_ mad then."

"Well, you dragged me into the shower and made me wash the shirt inside the shower cubicle with all my clothes on."

"Yes, well, but only because you asked me why I was getting so worked up about one boring black shirt that looked like the five others that I had in my closet."

"You never answered my question, come to think of it."

"I'm getting madder every minute, Trip."

"I'm sorry, honey... is there anythin' I can do to make it up to you?"

"Hm, let me think... well, for one thing, you could tell your family that we're not coming, after all."

"I can't."

"Why?"

"I just... can't. They'll be so disappointed!"

"They'll get over it. My family's never disappointed when I cancel a visit."

"Please, Mal. Just this once? Please?"

"Just this once? I thought "this once" was supposed to be our honeymoon!"

"It can still be our honeymoon. I asked Jon if we could have three weeks instead of two, and he said yes. We can still spend two weeks in Northern Scotland, Antarctica, or wherever you wanna go!"

"... Oh. Okay. But if you cancelled anyway, we could spend three weeks in Scotland. We could hike along Hadrian's Wall all across the island."

"Malcolm, please? Please? We can do everythin' you want in those two weeks, we can hike along that wall and we can camp in the rain, just... please?"

"I don't really like camping."

"That's great, you'd be sleepin' in a nice fluffy guest bed when we're at my place. How's that sound?"

"Will I be alone in that bed?"

"No, a'course not. Least not if you don't wanna be."

"Hm."

"There's always Great-Uncle Billy-Bob, he likes sharin'."

"You're trying to get me to agree to spending a whole week with your family. You should be nice to me."

"Sorry. Okay, so I'll be there every mornin', and I'll bring you breakfast in bed, and I'll hand-feed you pancakes with peanut butter, okay?"

"Do I have to go? I'd rather not."

"Pleeaase?"

"Why can't you cancel? I can't imagine that it would be such a big deal to your family."

"Don't you wanna meet mah folks?"

"I do. Just not... for a whole week?"

"Is there anythin' I can do to make you change your mind?"

"What if we only spent, let's say, three days at your parents', and then went someplace else?"

"Um... the party's gonna last three days, so... maybe four days?"

"Three days?? What kind of party are they planning?"

"Oh, just a small one."

"Trip, I am not going to spend three days celebrating with people I haven't ever met before. I'd rather spend five weeks on Hawaii, watching you diving."

"Really?"

"No."

"How bout two?"

"... No, I don't think so. Why didn't you ask me first before you called your family?"

"Well... I... I didn't really."

"You didn't really what?"

"I didn't really call them."

"You didn't?"

"No, I just said that cause I thought you'd be so terrified at the idea that you'd rather agree to go to Hawaii or someplace else where it's nice and sunny. You can kill me now."

"Be assured, I will."

"STOP IT MALCOLM!!!"

"You tried to manipulate me. That calls for severe punishment."

"Nohohoho, please don't, please Malcolm!!!"

"Are you going to come to Scotland with me?"

"Yes, I'm gonna come to Scotland and I'll hike along Haydrian's Wall, whatever that is, and I'll do everythin', just please stop ticklin'!"

"Are you going to listen to me tell you about Hadrian's Wall without ever complaining and saying you're bored?"

"Yes, I will, I will!"

"Even if I include the battle tactics of the Scots and the Romans?"

"Um..."

"I thought so."

"Nooooo, please don't Malcolm, I'll listen to the battle tactics! I love battle tactics!"

"Sure you do. But you know what, I think Scotland's not such a good idea, after all."

"...let me catch mah breath first."

"We can save Hadrian's Wall for our next shore leave. For our honeymoon, it might be a little... unromantic."

"Really?"

"Yes. It's quite cold up there in Northern Scotland."

"So...uh... what do you have in mind?"

"What do you think of Southern France? The Provence?"

"Sounds great! Somewhere close to the sea?"

"Actually, yes. It's only the Mediterranean Sea, but I guess it's close enough."

"That sounds great, darlin'. And we can spend the whole three weeks there, cause I really asked Jon for another week, I didn't make that up."

"Good thing you didn't, because if we go to Southern France, two weeks won't be close to enough to visit all the historic sites they have down there."

"Um... they do?"

"Indeed. The Romans left their mark there, as did Charles the Great and the Franconians."

"Uh-hu..."

"They've even got a few colosseums."

"I've heard those taste great."

"Trip, you're hopeless."

"...just jokin', honey."

"I'm not sure you are."

"I am!"

"I hope so."

"I know what a colosseum is!"

"Well, then you like the general idea of the Provence?"

"If it's not a "ten sights in three days" tour, then yeah, I do."

"Well, we could see the sights in the first two weeks, and spend the last week doing whatever you want to do."

"How bout we spent one week and a half seein' the sights, and the other one and a half doin' fun stuff?"

"One and a half week is not enough to see all the sights, especially if we don't want to cover two or three sights per day."

"Do we?"

"Well, you said you didn't want the ten-sights-in-three-days tour. Which means it'll take us more time to see them all."

"But it's only fair, half the time for your stuff and half of it for mine."

"Yours doesn't take up as much time as mine. It doesn't really matter if you lie on the beach for two or five hours. Except that if you lie there for five hours, you use up a greater amount of sun screen."

"You're no fun, Mal..."

"Maybe I just have another grasp of the term than you do."

"Maybe you'd like my stuff better than you think."

"That depends on how deserted the beach is."

"It'd be deserted, and if not, there's always another place to go..."

"The hotel? I'd rather not spend my whole day holed up in the hotel... at least not for a whole week."

"I could think of some fun stuff to do..."

"A whole week?"

"Yeah... why not?"

"Hm... but not one and a half weeks."

"Afraid you can't keep up with me?"

"Far from it. I'd be more worried that you'd overexert yourself."

"Me? Remember, you're the old guy here..."

"Right. Exactly three months older. Three months more of life experience."

"Three months can make a hell of a difference."

"Like what?"

"Look at you, you're old and wasted... no strength left. Me, on the other hand..."

"Old and wasted? I'd like to see you calling me old and wasted after our next sparring session."

"Like in half an hour, you mean?"

"Or hour."

"Or two hours. We have the day off, remember."

"Good thing we do. I don't think two hours will suffice."

"Probably not. So why are we wastin' so much time talkin'?"

"No idea. Not something I usually do."

"Well, then let's break a bad habit before it takes root, what do you say?"

"I say I totally agree with you, Mr. Tucker-Reed."

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FIN

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